《On The Same Days》橄榄树

42、11th April Friday 2003 Shenyang

　　Kiezen doet verliezen
　　(Making a choice means giving up other choices)

　　SARS was still incurable, but more people went on street now. It seemed closed doors couldn’t guarantee virus free either. It seemed also less dreadful after all if just two or three persons were dying each day, mine accidents or air accidents might kill hundreds people all at once, that would be enough for SARS to be busy for a few months time.

　　But the WHO thought differently, the travel advice was still negative, almost covered the whole China. Inside of China, worries shifted from cities to villages and little towns, on the way back home to her parents, Ling was almost locked out of the town by the barriers with a board saying No City Visitors. Luckily the guard dressed like a sergeant knew her father.

　　She needed some time and space to think, or to be able to stop thinking.
　　She had transferred Lily’s wise words to Bamboo; about something had to come to an end, about pain and rest. Bamboo had even pulled a smile, “You know why I burned everything?” she had showed Ling the empty drawer under her bed, no cigarettes either, “I died, with him, in the past 8 months, I wished to die with him this time too, forever, don’t cry for me if SARS come for me, but SARS will not pick me up, I will have to live on without him, for him.” Saw Bamboo’s dark eyes flashing with resolute lights, Ling felt her heart getting sour & proud.

　　Was that what you call grown up? Did grown up have to come from ashes and bones of death? Bamboo even started to read those bricks of transportation regulations and national geographies, in case another exam would come after the SARS.

　　Ling’s mother was a bit shocked at the sight of her 3rd daughter’s pale face, a Bamboo was enough; she badly wished nothing had happened to the little daughter of hers. The good old time when the 3 girls were running around in the yard fighting over for toys and new cloths giggling at hen clucks and their father’s jokes was just gone with the wind. They all grew up into a mystery world with faces always clouded, distant and beyond touch. The mother made some fried noodles for Ling and left her alone in her room.

　　Ling ignored her mother’s thoughtful eyes and sighs, happy that her mother hadn’t asked anything. Left the noodles untouched, Ling threw herself in bed. Glanced around the old room of the three sisters, they had shared the room till Tiffany had to go to boarding school. Their pictures and old diplomas were overall on the wall. She took the old photo album out, glanced through; all the happy moments were packed there, festivals, birthdays, all the smiling faces. One of Ling’s pictures was taken when she got her own first musical instrument when she was 5, an electronic piano; she was smiling from ear o ear to the camera. After that many of her pictures with a bamboo flute, violin, harmonica and alto fiddle. Her mother used to be so proud of Ling; all the neighbors knew she was a music genius. She hadn’t played them for years.

　　Set the photo albums back, Ling dug out her flute and cleaned the dust. She went to sit in the yard and played some old songs.

　　She saw her mother shook head and took the noodles out of her room again. Ling realized in the album there was rarely a picture of her mother; her mother must have been standing behind the camera all the time. She had a family; her mother had always been there for them. What if her mother hadn’t been there for her for a few years? Like Jessica for Jane? Ling couldn’t go on with playing her bamboo flute.

　　She had talked with Jones, the other day in the Friendship Hotel; 2 hours later she wished she hadn’t agreed to meet Jones there at all.

　　They had ordered a pot of Jasmine tea at a corner table by the bar on the ground floor.
　　Jones had asked loads questions about Jane first before she started with her own story.

　　It wasn’t a happy story. Ling had heard half of it from Lily already, yet it felt different when Jones told it herself, it hurt.

　　It had been a period of dark life full despairs to Jones. She came from a faraway city working and living in Shenyang alone, without families, she hadn’t a real family anyway, her parents had passed away when she was 15, she had to live with her brother and sister in law since then, her sister in law almost jumped at the news that she’d finally leave peace to their lives when Jones received her letter of acceptance from an university.
　　She had wished she had been a stronger person, she had wished she had had a home to go back to, then she would have fought with that dirt senior official in the city hall instead of being threatened and lived as a mouse. In those times a pregnant girl had to marry someone to keep the baby, she didn’t really want the baby, but she didn’t dare to ask anyone around for a black clinic treat. She had been also afraid of disposure.

　　Lily was the only friend she had. Lee was the only man she could trust.
　　“You could have told them the pregnancy, they could have helped you.” Ling had said,
　　“I was afraid of lose the only friends I had, I was afraid they’d look down upon me. Yet I successfully lost them both.” For a moment Jones couldn’t continue. Ling poured her another cup of tea.

　　“If Lee hadn’t loved me that much, if I hadn’t loved him that much, it might all be much easier. Yet every time after meeting up the dirt official in office, then back home watching Lee held Jane in his arms, kissing her cheeks. He was so happy, so content. I felt tore apart. That wasn’t his daughter at all, for god’s sake. I couldn’t bear to see his smile. I couldn’t bear his touch anymore. I became sick. I wanted to run away, from the dirt, from the daughter of the dirt, from Lee, from all that, to a far, far away place where I could forget about all whatever happened, just like waking up from a nightmare.” Jones had to stop again, as if the talking took her too much energy, she got sweet on her forehead, without much make up; Ling could see the dark circle under her eyes and the wrinkles. Still, Jones was so beautiful with her girlish shy smile. Ling knew the little woman in front of her might destroy yet another person’s world; Ling’s, by taking away Jane and Lee, still, Ling got the urge to protect her from being sad and depressed.

　　“The chance came when Kyle came, the American engineer who came for a project in Sunshine Construction. I was asked to interpret. Kyle didn’t know I was married and had a child, I didn’t tell either. He invited me to visit his home in Los Angles; I accepted and went, with a tourist visa for 3 months. I told him the whole story. He said he surely could understand. 3 months later he told me to leave. He said he was disappointed because my heart wasn’t with him although my body was, and he didn’t need a passionless ghost like but a girlfriend with flesh and blood. He was right. I was a passionless ghost. I was long drained up with whatever kind of passion, there were no finger behind my back anymore, no threats from the dirt official anymore, no smiling face of Lee anymore, no Jane anymore. I was lost, in life. Or I just lost life. I smiled like an idiot sometimes and made Chinese dinner for Kyle every day in the three months time.” Paused for a sip of tea, Jones wiped her forehead and continued in her low voice,

　　“I had no where to go. I knew the moment I left Lee and Jane meant I had cancelled China out of my life. So I stayed there, with an expired visa, with no money, no roof and no friends.”

　　Ling could read the pain from Jones’s eyes, she had tapped Jones’s hand on table, “You don’t have to tell if you don’t want to. I don’t dare to say that I understand as I have never gone through those, but I can imagine how you would feel.”

　　“You are such a nice girl, so much like Lily,” Jones had given Ling another smile, “but please believe me that I am not coming back to destroy your world, I had done enough damage, I just wanted to heal a bit.” Jones tried to explain, she saw Ling’s face suddenly turned suspicious and looked away. A couple came out from the lift, the man’s hand was on the woman’s bottom. Jones frowned at Ling’s outrageous face; she believed Ling was in love with Lee, why so angry at this man?

　　The couple went to the reception desk to check out. Ling suddenly stood up trembling and shaking, made a motion to walk up to them, yet gave a hard bite on her mouth, sat back again buried her head in her arms. Jones had watched the couple went out and tapped Ling’s hands.
　　Ling felt nauseas after anger. That was her brother in law, Roc, the perfect husband at home; Tiffany had been so happy these days for his promotion and gifts from his patients. Tiffany almost had changed from a lion into a sheep. The whole family had believed Tiffany was the happiest and luckiest girl among the three of them. Lately Tiffany had said that she might as well just get pregnant and forget about the Master program as Roc had already achieved that much, she could just become full time housewife.

　　“Shall we stop here today? You look ill.” Jones didn’t ask who they were.
　　“Sorry I was distracted, please continue.” Ling had composed herself back for Jones’s story.
　　It had been disastrous, the survival in America. Jones had been working in different Chinese Restaurants, black work, she hadn’t the green card, and except the language she hadn’t any other special skills, she had never be that scared to see any person in uniforms, afraid they would just recognize her with one glance and threw her behind the fences.
　　She had worked for the hairdressers later on, slept under the big dinning table in the nights. She had met an old man from HK with American passport in a message house who liked her beauty of being tiny-size. She married him under the name of Jessica, another Chinese girl in the massage house who was dying of Aids.
　　During the marriage life when the old man still constantly visited the massage house probably searching for even tinier-sized beauties, she picked up all the magazines and found a course for herself then learned how to train dogs, how to trim their hair, teach them trick and attend contests.
　　3 years later, she got the green card, she divorced the old man. The old man had even asked for some compensation from her claiming that it was he who saved Jones’s life from the massage house. Jones had agreed; it was or less the truth. She opened a small dog training center, she had met different people since then, had seen different stories, had survived from all the nightmares there might be, yet she still couldn’t sleep well. She finally had got time to think, about Shenyang, about Lee, about Jane, about the only love she ever had. She had to come back.

　　“You may wonder how I could get to know Jane and you,” Jones had explained, “As Jones, it would have been difficult. But as Jessica from America, it was easy and convenient. I just wanted to know if they were all right. I walked outside Lee’s house for days, saw Jane running in and out; I could feel she was happy, I thought I’d be just satisfied. I should go away, leave everything just as it is. But I couldn’t control myself, I thought if only I could talk with Jane, even just a few sentences.
　　I went to □□, took her away before she went to Lee’s driver. She was so lovely, my heart smelt at every smile she gave me, meanwhile felt so guilty that she had no idea who I am. Yet who am I? I had never been her mother anyway.” Jones’s tears were running overall her face, held the tissue from Ling; she didn’t bother to wipe them, “You never know how hard it was for me to send her back to you, at a second I almost wanted to just take her away with me, she hadn’t any blood connection with you all, she should be mine, shouldn’t she?...I am sorry, but I was so jealous, she talked a lot about you, about your lectures, about how did you light up the house Lee with love and laugh again, she even talked about her babysitter, but there was never a word about me, she said her mother died upon giving her birth when I asked.
　　What else could I expect? I dumped her 4 years ago, even in the first year when I was with her; I hadn’t been a good mother. It was Lee who took care of her more than I did.” Jones stopped for a while, slowly shook her head from side to side,
　　“I packed my suitcase the night after I met Jane, called a taxi to the airport, the taxi driver drove in a big hurry. He said he had to be home earlier for his daughter’s birthday. I was back to the hotel again an hour later, I thought I just had to be with Jane for her birthday once in her life, and then I’d go away. I didn’t expect she’d recognize my voice, I was glad and shocked at once…” Jones had calmed down a bit, watchfully staring into the distance.
　　Ling could see the love, the pain and the frustration. Ling knew Jones would never able to leave.

　　It was getting cold and dark in the yard. Ling went in. Her mother was messaging her father’s back. Ling pulled a chair and sat next to them.
　　“How come that neither of you ever have an affair for all these many, many years?”
　　“In those times of Cultural Revolution, if you looked below the neck of anther gender, you’d be beaten black and blue. And when you are constantly busy thinking where the next meal will come from, who cares about affairs?” her father said.
　　“It seemed the Cultural Revolution wasn’t all together a bad thing.” Ling thought about Roc and Tiffany,
　　“You aren’t having an eye on the young colleagues in the old fellow Lee’s firm, are you?” her father asked, even a bit excited at the imagination.
　　“No, I think I prefer to keep both of my eyes on myself.” Ling shouted on the way to the kitchen, she felt empty and whenever she felt empty she had to eat.