《Coral's diary》白横江

3、sad

　　Today, I thinked something about my past and future.
　　I sent a message to my mom. I said I hope her to buy a white jeans to me. But she just said "no".And she didn't say anything else. I was sad. I don't know why she said nothing.
　　I remembered what she had said in the past. She said she liked me better when I was a child.But I didn't really like who I was.I was like a drowning man clutching at straws.I really won't say anything, I won't say what I want to eat, I don't want clothes and shoes, I will accept anything given to me.At that time, I really didn't think I would want anything except novels. I don't know. Or I don't think I can ask for anything. I'm just saying, whatever, whatever. I kept quiet. I take it in its stride. I feel like a lonely ghost all day long.Did she like me at that time, like me who was waiting to be abandoned, wanted nothing, got nothing and had nothing? Crying children have sugar to eat, and I learned to be silent early.I can't say that. I just hide and cry, although sometimes I don't know what I'm crying about.What am I talking about？
　　When did I start to change? I don't remember. I sometimes start thinking about who loves me and how it shows. Does mommy love me? She used to cry when I cut my hand on glass. Does grandma love me? She used to wait for me for more than two hours in the blazing sun to send me books. She is the most afraid of heat. Ah, I'm supposed to love them, too?
　　My mother once said that I was a very cold person. She said that I had no heart. I denied it in my heart at that time, and later thought that what she said might be true. I-I don't know.
　　I'm not a very secure person, and I tend to get depressed when I'm alone. I like to immerse myself in novels and stories. I like their rich experiences and warm emotions, which I don't have. I want it very much and envy it very much. I am a very stable person. I often laugh, but I just laugh habitually most of the time. Sometimes I can't tell whether my emotions are true or not. Ah, what am I talking about?
　　Forget it. Let's call it a day.