32、第三十一只猫头鹰 ...
-
[sealed with a charm which opens only to a drop of Gellert Grindelwald's blood]
[一封只能用盖勒特·格林德沃的一滴血启封的信]
December 25th, 1995
Gellert,
盖勒特，
A Christmas letter, after all this time. I must confess that I have not held to your wishes. Voldemort remains undefeated, and he has recently returned in full health, after his brush with what he so feared, and begun to gather followers. Horcruxes, old friend. Horcruxes and dozens of other defenses. And, on my word, I do not lie. I do not know why I won, in the end. I do not know what you want me to say.
一封圣诞信，在过去了这么久之后。我必须承认我没能完成你的期愿。伏地魔的残余部分还尚未被打败，最近他却以鼎盛之势卷土重来。在和他最恐惧的死亡擦肩而过后，他开始召集他的追随者了。魂器，老朋友。魂器，和数十道其他的防御措施。而且，我保证，我并没有在说谎。我不知道我为什么最终在决斗之中获胜，我也不明白你这么做是想让我说些什么。
And I know—that I said I would not write again. And I accept your apology, of course, years ago. But I cannot think what else to do. I beg of you patience...
我知道——我之前说过了我不会再写信的。我接受你的道歉，自然，在很早之前就已经接受了。可我不知道我还能做些什么，我乞求你还留有耐心……
I suppose by now you must have heard of Harry Potter.
我想你一定听说过哈利·波特。
I send this to you in the deepest confidence. As I remember writing long ago, I have no true intimates. Peculiar as it is, after all the years of silence and all the anger, you are the man whom I trust most with—this. With a matter of no consequence to the war, to England, to Voldemort—
我怀着最深切的信任将这封信交付于你。就像我很久之前在信里说过的那样，我并没有真正的至交。虽然这很奇怪，但在历经过这些年的沉默和所有愤怒之后，你仍旧是我最信任的、能去倾吐这件事的人——无关乎战争，无关于英国，也与伏地魔并无牵扯——
Harry Potter started at Hogwarts five years ago. He was Sorted into Gryffindor House, which I doubt surprises you. His academics are on the upper side of average, his teacher relations generally neutral, and his friendships unbreakable as diamonds. He was raised by an abusive, neglectful Muggle family, utterly miserable until he came to Hogwarts, and that was my will, for it was necessary to protect him. Necessary to condemn him to a horrible childhood. His entire life is bound up in old magic, wild philomency, things Voldemort refuses to acknowledge and which even you and I barely plumbed the existence of. He is both ordinary and extraordinary at once, and it strains my wit to describe him.
哈利·波特在五年前就读于霍格沃茨。他被分入了格兰芬多，我相信于此你并不会感到惊讶。他的成绩属于中等偏上，师生关系不温不火，友谊则坚不可摧。他在一个麻瓜家庭中被虐待、忽视着长大，十分悲惨，直到他来到霍格沃茨——而这正是我安排的，为了让他得到必要的保护，不得不判给他一个苦难的童年。他的一生与古老的魔咒紧密相连，那是来自他母亲的强烈爱意，是伏地魔拒绝去承认的东西，甚至是你和我也勉强才得以窥之一隅。他的平凡与独特同时傍身，我不得不绞尽脑汁来向你形容。
He has suffered so, so much for a boy so young. And so much of it at my hands, even if indirectly. And—he does not know. He has not even the faintest clue of the true weight of it.
于一个这样年轻的孩子而言，他遭受的苦痛已经太多太多了。而且这些多数都出自于我手，即使这并不是直接的。并且——他于此丝毫不知，他甚至对真象的沉重根本毫无察觉。
His fate is entwined with Voldemort's. Magic beyond logic or reason—
他的命运和伏地魔的紧紧纠缠。魔咒背后的力量远超乎一切逻辑与因果——
Gellert, I must send him to his death.
盖勒特，我必须把他推向死亡。
I had tried for so many years not to see it. A shred of Voldemort's soul, so torn from the creation of his Horcruxes, dislodged when the Killing Curse backfired and stuck in an innocent boy. There is a prophecy. Twin serpents in the smoke of the pathfinder. Old, old, antediluvian magic—
这么多年来，我一直努力不去想它。一块伏地魔灵魂的碎片，就像制造魂器时撕裂灵魂那样，在杀戮咒反弹之后，附着在了一个无辜的男孩身上。曾有一预言兆示——双生蛇立与寻路者迷雾重重的前行之道。原始、古老、诞生于混沌的魔法——
I cannot tell him. How could I? He must realize it himself—
我做不到告诉他。我怎么办得到呢？他必须靠自己意识到这一切——
He is a good boy, Gellert. He is tough and brave and mostly clever, and he deserves better. He deserves to grow up and grow old and fall in love and herd about children and write crochety letters. He deserves to bury Voldemort and move on to his own life, free of fates and scars and nonsense, and I would give my life to make it so, but I cannot, not ever, because that is not how things are.
他是个好孩子，盖勒特。他坚韧、勇敢，又很聪明，他值得更好的未来。他本该像一个普通人一样恣意成长、沉淀成熟，再坠入爱河，娶妻生子，时而提笔写信同亲人友人道些家常。他本该结果伏地魔，步入自己人生的正轨。他本不应被命运纠缠，不用疤痕满身，不会为闲言所困。若能实现这些，我宁可以生命为代价，但我做不到，也永远不能了，因为这一切已成定局。
I feared you, when I realized the extent of your plans, the terror of your rule, the Muggle-torture. When you fled from Ariana's body like a common cut-throat. And I was angry, yes, of course. So very angry. But I never hated you. I never wished upon you the worst thing in the world. And hence you wake and sleep and eat and breathe, and do not burn in the everlasting furnace of phoenix fire into which I would cast Voldemort—no, Tom Riddle, that is his name, the rest is affectation—into which I would cast the man who bound Harry to his fate, I hate him so, I hate him to the marrow of my bones—
当我意识到你在计划什么，意识到你可怖的统治，以及对麻瓜的折磨时，我怕过你。你像凶手一样从安娜的尸体旁逃走时，我气极了。是的，当然，非常生气。但我从未恨过你，我从未期望过任何不幸降临在你身上。因此，无论你是入睡还是醒来，每一次进食、呼吸时，我都未曾想要把你投入永燃凤凰之火的炼狱中。这是那个我想把伏地魔——不，是汤姆·里德尔，这是他的本名，其余都是在装模作样——那个强行把哈利命运与他绑在一起的人扔进去的地方。我恨他如此，恨之入骨——
You do not cling to life like a canker. That is remorse enough for me, no matter what you may think. And for a Dark wizard, you have a surprisingly healthy relationship with death—
你并非是贪生怕死之人。光是这一点就足以令我感到愧疚，这无关乎你怎么看。作为一位黑巫师，你看待死亡的方式竟然出奇地健康——
Listen to me. I am sorry. I write to you in despair and burden you with an old man's insoluble worries, after we both said there was nothing left between us but bitterness. But, Gellert. I send him to his death. For the greater good.
听着。我很抱歉。我在绝望之中写下这封信，但也只能给你带去一个老人无解的烦恼。我们都曾说过我们二人之间除了那些不愉快，已经再不剩什么了。可是，盖勒特。我把他亲手交给了死亡，就为了那所谓的更伟大的利益。
You claim Nurmengard and I will not break you. And perhaps they have not. But, Gellert, Tom and Harry have broken me. You're stronger than me in the end, I suppose.
你曾断言，无论是我，还是纽蒙迦德的高塔，都无法摧毁你，而或许是这两者都未曾如此做过。但，盖勒特，汤姆和哈利已经先将我击溃了。我想，在这场我们的较量中，是你笑到了最后。
Oh, but there is a chance! a faint glimmer of a chance that he might just survive. That Harry might live—damaged, no doubt, shell-shocked as the Muggles would say, but alive.
哦，但这儿仍存一线生机！他能活下来的一点，渺茫的希望。哈利会活着——但会被摧残地满目疮痍，这点毫无疑问。用麻瓜们的话来说，他会患上战争疲劳综合征，但他仍然活着。
But sometimes hope is more painful than surrender.
但有时垂死挣扎是会比放弃要更加痛苦。
Ignore me. Laugh at me. I send an innocent boy to war and torture and death, because I must do what is necessary, because I must not apologize for what is necessary. Look over your door, Gellert—I still live by those bloody, cursed words—
你尽情无视我吧，嘲笑我吧。我把这么一个无辜的孩子送上战场，推向苦难，要他面对死亡。你嘲笑我吧，因为我不得不这么做，因为我无法为这些事道歉。看看你的门背后吧，盖勒特——我仍旧活在这些血腥的、可恨的言语的枷锁下——
Only you could possibly appreciate what this means. The full irony of it. Only you, old friend, after everything we've done and all this time we've spent hurting each other.
大概只有你能理解我了。多么讽刺啊。只有你，我的老朋友，在历经过我们所做的一切和对彼此的伤害之后。
I never knew the way. For all that I am a sanctimonious old bastard, I never knew the way. I only tried to help, to do what I thought would be right, would be successful. And this is where it ends, sending a child to die—everything I touch, everyone I love, turning to dust—I admit what I am, Gellert, I am a monster—
我一直不知道该怎么办。我就是个道貌岸然彻头彻尾的老混蛋，我从来都不明白该怎么做。我只是试着去帮忙，试着去做我认为正确的、会成功的事情。而最后我所做的，却是将一个孩子推向死亡——我触及之物，所爱之人，皆作尘烬——我看清了我自己，盖勒特，我是个怪物——
I—must stop this. I'm sorry.
我——写不下去了。抱歉。
P.S. for both of us
又及，给你和我的
[enclosure: a package of sherbet lemons]
[附：一大包柠檬雪宝]
注：
1.dozens of中dozen是一打（十二个）的意思，但是翻译成“几打”很奇怪，当时第一次看别人这样翻译的时候就没立刻读懂。扔进词典搜了一下之后选择用了“数十”。
2.condemn意思是判刑，这里没有修改意思是觉得“判”这个字本来就很有韵味，我有时候写小说也会故意用这一类词汇。
3.多多要把伏地魔扔炉子，老伏你是真的很招人恨，能让邓教想出来这么狠的法子。“I hate him to the marrow of my bones”，我隔着屏幕都感觉到了杀意。
4.“ The full irony of it”我感觉多多想说这很讽刺，不是在说伏地魔的这整件事而是在说只有他和盖才能交心。看到好多译本都是写的前者。
又及：看到这里，我才突然意识到邓教喝下那盆装魂器的液体不光是用命去打败伏地魔，也是是用命在向哈利赎罪。死亡或许是他的解脱，我至今都没办法忘掉邓教和哈利坦白的时候愧疚的差点落泪。
这封信时隔六年，有关时间线：1994塞德里克去世，1995伏地魔复活，同年邓布利多军组建，1996小天狼星去世（呜呜呜呜），冈特戒指（复活石）被邓教破坏。通信集里一个很让我难受的点就是，破坏黑曜石戒指这么重要的事情，邓教一个字都没和GG提，当然那时候他可能已经真的没有时间写信了。
邓教有一句话是这样说的——“Do not pity the dead,pity the living,and above all,those who living with out love.”翻译过来是：不要怜悯死者，而要怜悯生者，尤其是那些活着却没能拥有爱的人。纵观邓教一生，也是别人看起来的光鲜亮丽实际上的鸡毛一地——母亲被失控的安娜杀死，父亲为了给安娜报仇进了阿兹卡班；他一直和弟弟不合，三个人的混战中小安娜意外去世，又让邓教愧疚了一辈子。感觉AD获得的爱，只有小时候在父母那里的，还有戈德里克山谷的那个夏天。之后无论他的人生里，几乎就再也没有可以称得上是“爱”的情感。AD这句话，说给世人听，但感觉也是说给他自己的。可是人们总在歌颂他最痛苦的那天，“最伟大的白巫师”对邓教来说何尝不是一种枷锁。他怜悯世人，可是却没有人能去怜悯他。
作者有话说
第32章 第三十一只猫头鹰
