15、Raphael confides 拉斐尔的心 ...
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Edith knocked on the door of the Saint-Clemonts. Facing frustration, her first reaction was to seek comfort from her friend Charlene.
It was Raphael who opened the door. He was in a daze on seeing her."Charlene went to visit Madame Percy," he explained.
It seemed that Charlene was also concerned about her at the news and went straight to her house. Edith smiled resignedly and was about to turn around to leave.
Raphael stopped her."If you leave now, you may likely miss her on the way again. Why not stay here for a while?" he suggested.
Edith only hesitated for a moment, then stepped inside.
She sat down quietly in the armchair by the window, as Raphael neurotically paced around the narrow room.
She felt that he was somehow different today.
Until he stopped by the shelving, picked up a glass of liquor, and drank it with a toss of his head and a hard gulp, did she realise, stunned and then annoyed, what was going on.
His collar was wide open, his eyes slightly wandering, appearing that dissolute air once more.
"I thought you had quit drinking," she sneered.
He did not answer, just approached her and abruptly asked,"You are with Andre Quenet?"
Feeling low, she merely responded coldly,"I think you have no right to ask."
"Sure, I am not qualified to ask," Raphael said with a despairing smile, making his poet-like face look almost grim.
"If before 1789, everyone would believe that Quenet and I were not comparable at all; if you choose him and give up on me, give up the noble Comte de Saint-Clemont, everybody will say you have lost your mind! That's why I abhor the revolution! It calls black white and distorts everything!"
His voice scarcely faded, a crisp slap landed on his left cheek.
It seemed that Edith also realised what she had done only after she had withdrawn her hand, and there was some guilt in her tone:"I didn't mean to hit you... I just can't tolerate blasphemy of the revolution."
The former nobleman tilted his head and covered the half of his face that was hit with his hand, showing no surprise or resentment in his eyes.
After a while, he put down his arm and stumbled towards the front door.
Edith watched his desperate back and felt for an instant that if she let him go like this, she would lose him forever.
Raphael stopped one step away from the doorknob.
A pair of slender yet powerful arms wrapped around his waist from behind. He felt a soft, warm cheek hit his back.
His hands hesitated to grab the two hands pressed against his abdomen and did not move for a long time.
He knew clearly that it was just a moment of compassion overwhelming her heart.
Raphael took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. He pulled her arms down, turned around, and sat back at the table.
Edith relaxed a little. At least the young man in front of her no longer exuded the aura of resolve he had just now.
She silently sat back in her chair. Raphael supported his head with one hand, leaving his back for her.
After a while, she was surprised to see the edge of the table he was supporting, which was full of cracks, vibrating slightly, his shoulders shaking violently.
He was wailing, yet never made a sound.
Edith's lips moved a few times, but failed to say a thing to this poor man.
She didn't know how long a time had passed when his body eventually calmed down, seeming to have overcome that attack of weakness.
"There's someone who always felt he was worthless," he slowly began, his voice still hoarse and dry. "But others told him that he was born superior, he's the inheritor of a noble surname. No one has ever taught him how to live. All he learned was how to be a noble.
"Mother, to him, was nothing but a distant and vague memory. Father didn't have much affection for him, he always knew that very well. He couldn't see the meaning of life-until he met her. There was a kind of vitality of life burning in her, endless, never would exhaust.
"She brought him hope for life, yet removed herself only in the second year. But since this boy had already seen the light, he could no longer bear the dark; he still longed for reunion with her one day. He had worried about the gap between him and her; until that year, his father died, and he was not sad, but only grateful: he could finally make his own decisions.
"But in just a few months, everything was destroyed. People told him that there were no more nobles on this land, and his noble surname, the only thing he could pride himself upon began to be ridiculed. Once he realised that his only noble blood was also a lie, he couldn't see what he could rely on anymore.
"He was too timid, could only hide behind alcohol and illusions. It was her gentle voice that awakened his only remaining courage, preventing this coward from falling day by day.
"Time passes and things change. Nowadays, he no longer holds out extravagant hopes to be favoured by her. He listened to her talking and sorrowfully realised that his past was also an unforgivable sin in her eyes. He had countless times fantasised about creating a paradise for her with wealth and treasures, yet what she cherished was only the virtue that he could never understand.
"So he knows this love could only be on his own forever. However, when he sees another lucky guy greeting her like a God's favoured one and sipping the joy she grants, the ugliest jealousy still cruelly gnaws at his soul!"
Faced with such strong affections, she couldn't respond. She had never thought that his love was so deep.
He finally turned his face around, and those crystal-like blue eyes met hers, with red bloodshot under his eyelids.
"Don't look down on yourself like this, Raphael! Even if I cannot repay your affection, can this bond not lead you down a brighter path? Cheer up, as if it were for me!" She earnestly leaned towards him.
"Cheer up?" He murmured, bemused. "What hope is there, for someone like me? A former noble! Unable to even obtain a good citizen's certificate!"
She took his hand, and he flinched at the touch.
"Your life is never as hopeless as you imagine it to be! Come with me to Desmoulins, stand with us!"
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At Lucile Desmoulins' home, Edith and Raphael met that famous George Danton.①
The man's face was broad, with a high hairline and large nostrils on his short nose. His entire face was red, as if heavily intoxicated. He had a rather crude demeanor, but did possess a charisma that made people want to follow him.
"How lovely! Here comes a charming Pamela!" Danton exclaimed the moment he saw Edith, approaching the young friend of Lucile's in an intimate manner.
"George!" Lucile called out, nervous, reminding him to mind his manners.
Danton withdrew his body and made a theatrical gesture of spreading his hands, seemingly unembarrassed.
Edith briefly explained Raphael's background and why she had brought him here.
"Ah, a noble?" Danton raised his broad and rough palm and waved it nonchalantly in the air.
Raphael looked uneasy and lowered his eyes.
"What's the big deal? The jury, the Garde Nationale, are full of nobles dressed in tight culottes, wigs, and powder, strutting around like peacocks. Even in the Committee there's nobles." Danton walked up and patted Saint-Clemont's shoulder in a carefree manner, "That's not a problem. You should have joined us earlier, young man."
The destitute youth looked up at him with an incredulous gaze.
"Anyway, come to Committee of Supply tomorrow to help us out. We're very short of hands lately."
Danton sat back on the sofa, with one foot casually propped up on the knee of the other leg. "As for your citizenship certificate, I'll put in a good word for you. You can rest easy."
"Welcome, my friend." Lucile smiled gently at the former nobleman.
Tears glittered in his eyes.
Edith also reached out to him firmly, "In the name of liberty."
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Once Raphael Saint-Clemont believed he had embarked on a righteous career, he abandoned his former laziness and decadence. He established a routine and started eating healthy, balanced meals. The distant and detached look on his face faded away, replaced by a newfound sense of purpose.
He used his first allowance to buy Charlene a pair of glasses and even managed to acquire some chemical materials for her experiments through a friend's help.
The Saint-Clemonts' shabby room, which was often shrouded in shadows, gradually lit up with brightness.
"Edith, you saved my brother! You have no idea how important your help was to him; you are the angel of our family!" Charlene exclaimed, moved to tears.
This frail girl also became radiant. She started talking about chemistry again with joy, her eyes twinkling with stars.
As Raphael gained confidence, he mustered the courage to confide his feelings to Edith once more.
"Once again, you have given me a new lease on life," he gratefully said to her.
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Edith had not spoken to Andre for over half a month.
She kept him at bay, so he could only bury himself in busy work, sometimes even sleeping at the committee office to avoid returning to the Percys' house.
As Raphael burned with an incandescence with each passing day, Andre sunk deeper into a spiral of depression.
As for Edith, although surrounded by the hope and glee she created in the Saint-Clemonts, did not feel a sense of peace in her heart.
Whenever she looked at Raphael's face, so similar to that of her beloved, she would recall the enchanted time of their passionate love, leaving a hollow feeling inside her.
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One day, as Edith wandered alone on the street, lost in thought, a timid voice came from behind her.
"Are you Citizeness Edith Travis?"
She turned around to see a ragged little boy of eight or nine years old, with disheveled hair and a dirty face, obviously a homeless waif.
"It's me," she replied.
The child handed her a crumpled envelope. "Would you go and see Madame Roland? This is a letter from Citizen Buzot to be delivered to her."
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第15章 Raphael confides
