《On The Same Days》橄榄树

47、27th May Tuesday 2003 Amsterdam

　　Een kat komt altijd weer op zijn pootjes terecht
　　(A cat always found its way to stand back on its paw)

　　The broke up had lasted for 3 days until Tina received John’s mail and cried at it all over again.
　　She had restrained herself not to answer his call, not to reply his message back; she had tried everything she could do to forget him, books, skiing and meeting ups with Lisa and Helen. But nothing succeeded; he was constantly in her head, asking “Do you still like me?”
　　As a person who was not really able to write, he wrote quite a long description of their short relationship, with the attitude of someone who had enough break ups in one year. The feelers for pain became sleepy and woody; he felt sad yet in peace.

　　He never cared for whatever permit, he cared about her. He had no piece of doubt about her, he trusted her as a blind. He never even thought about a trick, even if it would be one, he would be just too happy to jump in it. He was very proud of what she had achieved so far. He respected her dreams for her village. He loved her 100 percent; he would do anything for her. About the marriage thing, he didn’t know a non-local could also get one without a marriage, he said over 2 years time because normally students wouldn’t get married yet, and her study would take nearly two years time. He couldn’t believe why she could change so abruptly, draaide om als een blad aan een boom (turned away as a leave on a tree) in his words. After all the efforts they had both invested to come closer to the other one’s standard. No SMS, no call, no mail no nothing anymore, he hadn’t even been given a chance to explain, to talk about the misunderstandings. He felt like the small baby jumping on the ground, couldn’t tell what he wanted. He loved her even before they first met and he still did.

　　Tina knew he did. And knew she had pushed her own frustration over the working permit on him. Too many stories about identity marriage tricks, even her own close friends, even Helen decided to stay further together with her Turkish Dutch friend although she no longer loved him, but she couldn’t separate with him before she turns to a regular employee or getting her passport. Tina hated it whenever she heard these.
　　But to kill John because of those stories, seemed unfair.

　　Therefore they made up. She sent him a message, he came over in mid-night. She cried; they talked; it was a sleepless long night. They spent the day together, first went to check out a few car traders because he wanted to change a car, for some fuel reasons, in order to drive longer distance with lower cost, because he would like to come over to Amsterdam often if she’d still allow him.

　　In the afternoon they decided to go to Zandvoort for the sea, but lost their way somewhere in Haarlem, walked around in the park instead of the beach for the afternoon. The evening they went together to the barbecue with his friends, 3 other single Dutch guys around 30. (They went together to Aruba a few weeks ago for vacation for one week, took some thousand photos and made into CDs, then remade the CD with music and rearranged the date and photos backgrounds, the time and energy they spend on those photos were even much longer than the vacation itself, did these man simply having nothing else to do was a vacation that memorable? They were definitely already quality people, far above the standard Dutch stupid crazy jongen luis…)
　　On the way back, they went to his house to pick up some clothes, the first time for her being there, he showed her a family picture with his parents, brother and sister in law, of course, his 10 years relationship too-the Lady in Red in the Flroiade park…then they drove back to Amsterdam again.
　　The moon hang in the sky in front, so low, so clear, so tangible as if they were going to ride into it directly. The streets lamps and a bit darkened trees all looked so peaceful and nice, the moment that she felt the urge to ask, if this would be forever, the feeling of in love, the intimacy, the soft heart…he said the love might stay for long but the feeling of in love might get wear off…as practical as ever…she couldn’t hold back her tears again…was it true that people who loved a few times already were not able to believe in forever anymore? or was it true that people of this current world just geven geen donder op (just don’t give a f..k on) the forever anymore, or was it true that they just never really believed or would never able to live above the materialized world anymore, anything that is no tangible and without a brand tag, was just impossible and meaningless to them??? Like love, wouldn’t bring them a car or a house, yet they needed someone to be with when they would feel sick or lonely or to solve the sexual desires, which means they needed a partner they liked, a rather independent one who could take care of herself and him, but not necessarily love forever...

　　She started to feel the wearing off already, she made almost another row with him, this time she was even more disappointed, after the make up, he could still hold his principle of not believing, not able to believe her idea of love, he’d never able to change his practical way of thinking and his present-tense attitude of love, what could she do about it? Time could prove, yes, but would she be able to love him fully forever aware of that he wouldn’t believe in forever at all???

　　She knew he represented the real world, at least the Dutch world. The era of her parents, that kind of commitment of life and death without even a word spoken, her version of life and her dream of ideal perfection, romance from those literature books, was simply history.

　　She felt tired of fighting over this kind of topic or to let him understand what true love should be, if he was not going to be the one who could understand it, there was nothing she could do about it, wasn’t it?

　　The night they quietly slept, without further row, the morning he went away after kissing her goodbye and ask her not to send him e-mail bombs this week, practical as he was, to take a break up as nothing happened was not possible, of course he cared, and would care, about all the practical loss, like he invested time, energy, even money and some affection in the whole possible partnership, it was a kind of investment, he wouldn’t be happy to lose it all just for nothing, (For him, she must be the one who was geen goedewijs,(out of her mind) he was being patient to wait for her to come to her common senses…).

　　She had finally come to her sense, she would never start this kind of true love and forever topic ever again, that was not something you could ask for or fought to get, you’d even lose more if you always fought for it. It would only make the whole situation sensitive and difficult; no good would ever come out of it.

　　She would truly behave normal again, as two months before, as who she used to be. When he loved, he loved, when he came and went, he came and went. She’d be a good friend, a good girl friend even, no faked performance, but truly whenever he was around. Yet, she wouldn’t hurt herself anymore, not for him, or for whatever, she’d write her book, finish her education, do all the things that she was obliged to do, and do them all with flying colors, now that she knew how it was all like, the love the pain, now she was healed, once and for all, just healed.

　　She knew her distance was back again, the distance of staying out of this practical world, she was always capable of drifting far above all the daily working and livings. For the last few weeks she thought he would understand since he made her feel that he did understand and loved her, yet now she realized, he did loved and understood her in his practical way as a typical Dutch boy would, she did appreciate it, did believe that was love, but she also realized that a part of her, out there on the other standard, would never be understood, not even by him, the one who loved her and she loved, maybe this was life, this was the real life, also the real love, there would never be 100 percent communication or understanding.

　　She decided to be herself then, not in the sense of breaking up with him, but in the sense of keeping him as a part of her families, like a brother at home, she never required them to understand her, it is not possible either, yet she loved them as anything in the world and would do anything for them, she’d just treat him the same as her brothers, something above good friend, something special, love, yet not necessarily being together all the time or to be passionate like hell, just like water, quiet, yet constantly flowing, she knew now she finally found the right feeling and the right way to deal with it, she knew in that way she’d win in the end.

　　She wouldn’t show her distance on her face or through actions, she’d just keep it in her heart and her natural reactions to his attitude, maybe he’d be a bit irritated by that, then he’d get use to it and think that she was normal, as a matter of fact, she was trying to be.

　　In this way, even if a breakup or whatever other dreadful would happen, she’d still be able to live further on without too much damage, she should really thank him for the inspiration.

　　But He was far from stupid, he realized she was a bit abnormal, (See, when a abnormal person behaved a bit normal, others might think she got even more crazy, they simply wouldn’t believe her anymore), she decided to cut her hair, which she’d do the next day, dye it in purple and trim it a bit shorter, not completely very short that was not what she liked, the only thing was she was not doing it for fighting him, it is just a change of mood, and letting go, if a girl could let her long hair go, what else could possible matter more?

　　* * *

　　It had been two weeks time again already, life after the broke up and made up.

　　Lisa’s life had been fluctuating in the past few weeks as well.
　　She attended the IELTS test and send the whole package of Visa Application away also paid the fee in total over 500 Euros. Leo knew for sure that Lisa wouldn’t change her mind anymore, she’d never threw away even 5 Euro on nothing, if she’d paid 500 euros already, she was already half Australian.
　　He decided to follow her, started the application procedure as well. It seemed he did work out where he was in the orange juice one step earlier than she was. No one would just follow a sisterhood friend to another country fighting against his parents’ will. Her mother got really mad. She never expect her gentle soft loving son would suddenly turn into a stubborn donkey one day, for a girl 6 years older who might pulled his nose and made all the decision in his place. The mother felt the danger of losing the son. If it was a Dutch mother, it would have been much easier. But that was a Cantonese mother.
　　The strong family ties could also work to the negative side. Leo was almost killed these days by the fighting over between the two women he loved the most. His mother burned all the things she collected from his babyhood, his first pair of shoes, hairs of his first hair cut… Mother said she had nothing against Lisa, but why couldn’t Leo just go to Nyenrode or go to any university in England rather than Australia, the place full of junk Chinese. Lisa said she had nothing against Leo’s mother, but she couldn’t bear someone to discriminate Mandarin Chinese, HK was already a part of China in case anyone forgets that, that she didn’t pull anyone’s nose to go with her, it was Leo who caught her tail and wanted to follow, she didn’t meant to join any fight, why was she blamed for all the consequences, she hadn’t even complained about no one picked her up from the airport after her father passed away.

　　The scariest thing was the two women were going to meet each other the first time for dinner tonight.

　　“What do you think?” Tina asked John, having his coffee, her orange juice by the café at the end of Overtoom.
　　“Aha?” he turned his eyes back to Tina from another table, without hearing what did she asked.
　　“I said that one was pretty,” Tina looked the table he just stared to, the girl in the middle in a red T-shirt was John’s type, now she already knew what was his type after a few times of drinking coffees and commenting all the coming and going girls.

　　“Yeah, I liked her shoulder, straight.” He nodded, “but the other waitress who just served us is even prettier.” At the beginning he felt weird to talk like this with Tina, he used to talk with his male friends, but Tina seemed really enjoyed it and keen on commenting girls as well, she always said she wasn’t sure if she even liked girls more.

　　“Aha,” Tina even smiled, pulled her neck to look into the café searching for the pretty waitress.
　　Was it true that a man will never satisfy with one woman? Whenever in public, he was glancing around, commenting on girls, which was his type, which one he liked best and so on. He said he’d do anything for her, he’d follow her anywhere she went if it’d be longer than 6 months, even if she escaped one day, may he go with her then? He said every time when she hit or squeeze him, he felt electricity. How come he’d still be so much interested in other girls?

　　Why she even had completely no interests at all in whomever else, man or woman? She felt heart bleeding of jealousy, yet she joked all the time to give him all the freedom he needed, and commented on all those “his types” in public with him together, she’d rather share his thoughts as a good friend if she couldn’t be the only thing on his mind.

　　She refused yet another time to visit his parents, somewhere at the back of her head, she still had all the doubts over the relationship, she always felt good things never last long, as flowers could never stay open, if this wouldn’t be forever as in her version of love, forever fresh, then she’d rather keep it low, keep it under water, let it go without getting others noticed or involved.

　　He was not that stupid, really not, he said sometimes he’d afraid she’d just disappear without saying goodbye, which she might really do when she got his love there, to the standard she believed right, she might just disappear all of a sudden, left him to miss her for all the coming years instead of wear a period of beautiful affection off through practical lives, practical life, 3 meals a day, cooking, cleaning, meeting up friends, talking rubbish, not really her life anyway, she’d have to make the best out of this period of time with him, maybe the best episode ever in her life, give him the best time he’d have in his life, then just get away from it all, leave both only with the best memories, the deepest love, one never know to appreciate what he had till he lose it, she’d rather to be the lost treasure than an available clay, which already tested true by Ling another time.

　　The fact was also that she knew he was a man living among groups. He never ever had one day alone at home, either with family, or friends, everyday of the whole week, he couldn’t bear to be alone. He had a rather strong family bands compared with normal Dutch families, lovely parents who still cooked dinner for their youngest son every now and then and buy him gifts as large as a blanket knowing he needed them. (mind you, gifts here mostly are limited around 10 to 20 euro’s even among families) His best friend was a gay-ish male who he contacted even more often than his family or any girlfriends he ever had as they never missed a call from each other for every single day, plus a few messages, and had to meet up once in person every week.
　　She had seriously wondered if they were gay. Apparently they weren’t. Which made the special thing among them even more unbreakable, it was beyond touch of the common love affaires, yet it was indeed love, different than that among brothers, different than that among lovers.

　　He had yet gangs and gangs of other friends with who he sailed often, sported often. She couldn’t remember all that many names. She started to realize maybe she’d better never take him to anywhere at all, not longer than 2 weeks. She’s just such a tiny part of his life, he is so used to the feeling of belonging to the groups, if she became the only thing of his life, she wasn’t sure if he could cope. She wasn’t sure if she could cope either. If he would ever show a single sign of getting bored of her, she’d just really omdraaien als een blad aan de boom, she would never ever disgrace herself to be tolerated instead of appreciated.

　　Jenny called from HK, the city also survived from the SARS, and she was still surviving from her breast cancer, accepting radio therapy everyday watching people either being cut off or dying on it, she told Tina to be alive is just the meaning of life.

　　Yes, she still had her village to save, her stories to write, her Nyenrode programs to follow, her families and friends to care for.

　　“To be alive is all meaning of life,” she took John’s hand, first time ever in public, kissed it.
　　He quizzically looked at his crazy little Chinese, felt her forehead with his palm for a moment, very concerned, “You are not having a fever, aren’t you?”
　　“You must have burned your hand, it is smoking now.”
　　“Nice you are back on earth again.”

　　Lisa called, she had to promise Leo’s mother that she’d come back with her son.
　　Tina smiled, she knew Lisa wanted to be back, but hated to open her mouth to ask Leo for it, now that the mother forced her to do it, it was a complete other matter. The fight created a win-win situation.