《On The Same Days》橄榄树

45、9th May Friday 2003 Amsterdam

　　Een os en een ezel dienen niet aan een ploeg
　　(A donkey and an ox can hardly work under one plough)

　　Finally, after days of walking down stairs a few dozens times a day to check her post, Tina received the contract from Fortis bank for the Loan in the morning, Nyenrode had accepted her. She knew that would mark her the happiest morning she ever had. Without even reading them through, she turned over the pages, signed her names on all the blanks and posted back the contract in a flash, she’d agree for whatever terms there were anyway.

　　It seemed her luck was really turning. She had successfully defended her thesis as well. You’d never believe it, she got a…not a 10, but, it was quite ok for the crazy subject she chose, ERP, she had never had a technical cell in her head, but she made it, the thesis was done, and she could pick up her diploma from the HAS at the end of the month.

　　Now she was searching for something proper for an interview, she had applied for loads part time jobs in the past two weeks as Happy Food didn’t have that many events lately. She didn’t even dare to apply for any of those office jobs at all; although there had been many mini-aids in the newspapers looking for trainees for the coming few months, vacation time of the year. But Tina knew better not to crash her nose to the wall, those office jobs would all require a working permit and fluent Dutch, even if she could manage the Dutch deficiency, the working permit thing would be simply unmanageable.

　　Therefore she had only focused on the cleaning, waitressing and post delivery kind of jobs. To be honest she had no idea anymore what did she apply for this one, in a Martin Luther Service Center, probably cleaning. One shouldn’t dress too formal for a cleaning job, no, Tina finally settled herself in a normal black jeans and black shirt, something between formal and informal, it should do.

　　The Service Center wasn’t that far from where she lived. Some 40 minutes’ later she arrived there in time only asked the way once from an old nice Dutch uncle. It seemed every Dutch uncle suddenly turned nice today.
　　After a cup of coffee in the hall and some more glancing around the bulletin boards, her turn came.
　　A nice smiling Dutch uncle, no, more a brother and another smiling Dutch auntie were waiting for her. Ling felt good about it all.
　　They introduced themselves first, then about the job. Tina learned that they needed someone to do the cleaning or shopping job for the lonely handicapped people in the area, just to make their life easier and a bit cozier, to chat with them or play a game or whatever. Ling liked the idea a lot. It was nice what the service center was doing.
　　They asked her to introduce herself; she handed over a copy of her brief CV, told over her education in the HAS, about her other part time jobs, said that she had done some cleaning work for private houses as well. She indeed had done it for her first landlady Wilma.

　　They smiled and nodded, rather satisfied at her Dutch and her warm attitude.
　　The smiling brother said “I still need to post you a formal letter for the result of the interview and then invite you to come over to sign the contract, probably at the beginning of next week.”
　　Ling knew which implied she got the job. She thanked them and nodded at their advices over the procedure that she’d have to work under some experienced worker for two days and after that they’d appoint her a regular client, she’d still need to come over to the service center to register everyday before visiting the client.
　　“Talking about registration, I’d need your passport copy for administration and preparing the contract,” the smile auntie asked.
　　Tina had to hand over her copy of passport, a Chinese passport, they had a look at it, a bit surprised, “Do you also have your residence permit with you?”
　　Unwillingly, Tina took the pink plastic card out from her purse; the smiling brother turned it over, and shook his head, “Sorry, we had to terminate the interview here. It would take us too much time and energy to apply for a working permit for you, we just needed some vacant helper for a few months, before we may arrange you a working permit; the vacation must have ended already.”
　　“I do sometimes work for other places too, such as catering companies, I have the So-fi number, and that has been enough for tax reasons.” Tina tried to fight for a chance.
　　The auntie lost her smile, shrugged, “Sorry, we have to work according to the rules.”

　　Shook their hands, Tina came out feeling shabby and weird off, what the hell, she, a future Master of science had even down-graded herself to do something that no single Dutch MBO student would ever consider, yet she wasn’t even allowed to. What a hell working permit!!!

　　She was very mad, at dinner table with Ping and John, she had complained for a whole hour. It was the first time Ping and John met. Ping had been so curious and John had been all the time complaining Tina kept him secret. Therefore she finally agreed to introduce them to each other as Ping would be going to Australia soon anyway.

　　Ping shook her head and told Tina in Chinese, “A very good friend of mine, Maggie, another 3rd year Chinese girl in my major in the HAS, just got married with her German boyfriend who was 7 years younger than she was in Mexico.”
　　“Why Mexico?”
　　“It was easier to get the marriage down in Mexico then in Germany, they were having their exchange programs there and Maggie needed the working permit to find a placement.” Ping explained, “I told you to forget about your stupid self esteem, this John seems to like you a lot, don’t waste the chance.”

　　Tina frowned, her favorite dumpling tasted like complete garbage in her mouth.

　　“I heard my name, what bad words had you exchanged about me?” John asked winking his blue eyes across the table.
　　“We were just talking about your T-shirt, Hugo boss, your watch, spirit, brandy guy!” Lisa smiled back.
　　“You are carrying a Hugo Boss bag.” John’s eyes were as sharp as Lisa’s.
　　“It is a fake brand; I brought it back from China.”

　　They went on with brands, from bags, glasses, watches, casual clothes, sport cloths to cars. Tina drank her tea, looked out of the window, an aged lady was pushing a shopping trolley across the bridge. She felt lost again. Among the two very close friends of hers in a corner of Amsterdam, listening to them talking about brands, cars, houses, how married or samen-wonenende couples dealing with money matters,
　　“You may also open a joint account and each saves the same amount of money in it every month for family expenses,” John had answered Lisa’s question.

　　“Would you mind then if your wife is just a house wife?” Lisa continued her inquiry. Tina pulled a smile, looking into the tea cup and circling it around on the plate, she knew Lisa was checking John out for her, also comparing John with Leo and other Chinese men. She wanted to laugh, why love had anything to do with money? What was it all about bank accounts and so on, who cares? Otherwise why bother to be together at all?

　　“If I love her and she loves me, I wouldn’t mind if she doesn’t earn money.” John answered; he could sense this friend of Tina was really checking him out, “by the way, I see a lot of potential in Tina, I don’t think she’d ever become a house wife.” He joked, noticing Tina was the whole time miles away from the dinner table.

　　“Is that it? It is my potential that attracted you?” Tina smiled with sarcasm, wasn’t pleased at his answer, wouldn’t mind, what a phrase, so reluctant, as if anything else could be better, but if there’d be no other choice, he’d just have to accept it.

　　“Exactly, and don’t forget I can offer a working permit, if we get married this week, you can still work for that service center this summer.” John teased back; suddenly saw Tina clouded her face, “Sorry, I was joking.”

　　“Keep my words, for that particular fact I am never going to marry a Dutch, and in my norm and waarden I will never live together with anyone without marriage, stop wasting your time on me.” Tina managed to say it in a flat voice.

　　Lisa was pinching her arm, “Don’t make a row in front of me, I am a guest. John, never mind. She isn’t a practical person, but she will grow up.”

　　After dinner, Tina asked for the bill, she knew John cared about money; he had talked about after his Aruba vacation he was almost broke.
　　Lisa tried to stop Tina in Chinese, “Why couldn’t he pay?” Lisa asked, “I am your best friend he first meets. God, we should still find some Chinese men.” Lisa knew Tina’s situation, the stupid girl just got herself 35 thousands Euros debt and still playing her pride in paying bills for the bloody expensive meal with her boyfriend!
　　“He isn’t rich,” Tina explained, “And you know I a not a money type.”
　　“But he works, and you owed a hell lot of money to the bank.” Lisa took out her purse too, she wouldn’t let Tina to pay for all this; she hated to join the dinner at all. She didn’t expect she’d expensed Tina.
　　John thought the two localized Chinese were going Dutch; he took out his share as well.

　　On the way out, Lisa was talking in Chinese again, “Typical Dutch, now I know the good points of Chinese men, at least they never allow woman to pay. I never had to pay for any dinner when I had my Chinese boyfriends. John even told me he bought you a bottle of perfume just to show off he did spend something on you!”
　　“But I don’t care if he spend money on me,” Tina felt tired again.

　　“But they have to offer, not that we have to take it, but they should be willing to do it, aren’t they?” Lisa still felt unfair, with Leo the same, he paid one time, she’d pay another time, in general she even paid more then he did, but he was clever enough to pay whenever they went out with her friends to not lose her face.

　　On the way back to John’s car after said goodbye to Lisa, John had to pin some money, he told Tina he couldn’t believe his bank account was in red again.

　　Tina became really a bit irritated, the whole evening’s brands and money conversation was already too much, did he have to be so materialistic? Were Lisa and Cathy right about the common Dutch stingy character? She indeed would never care if he could or would spend money on her, but if he’d be willing to do it, should be a complete other matter.
　　If he cared for those material things even more than her, then that wasn’t real love, there shouldn’t be any stories further either. She’d never care to spend whatever for him if only she could.
　　Maybe she should give a hint, so she smiled, “If I’d win a lottery, I am going to share it with all my friends.”
　　“Tina, am I your friend?” John walked along, smiling back at her.
　　“Try harder.” Tina shook her head, even with jokes, he was asking instead of giving. What a culture!

　　A few hours latter, John called after he arrived home.
　　“Did your friend like me?”
　　“Did you like my friend?” Tina wouldn’t tell him what Lisa complained about.
　　“She is nice. Very practical,” he recalled the conversation, the girl was pretty and chatty, but talked a lot about money.

　　Tina laughed out loud holding her mobile away for a few seconds, what a nice match, she should match them up, equal comments on each other.

　　“I didn’t hear you, what did she say about me?” John felt Tina was gone from the line for a while.

　　“She said I should catch your offer and marry you for a working permit.” Tina joked.
　　“Oh, yeah, my mother just called, my parents invited you again for the barbecue next weekend, my brother and his girlfriend will be there too.”
　　“I am sorry; I don’t think I should go, I am not going.” Tina still wasn’t sure if she should get too much involved in his life. Her Dutch was still a problem; she would rather wait for another year till she could speak perfect Dutch to meet his parents.

　　“Don’t say no yet, just think about it, you got a whole weeks time. Don’t be afraid, it is not like that we will just get married or something, to meet up parents here is just normal. They are curious about the person their son is seeing, that is all.” He explained patiently, hoped she could understand.
　　“No, sorry,”

　　“Ok, about the working permit, actually a colleague of mine just got divorced with a Polish girl after one years marriage, he though it was real love, but it turned to be a trick, she was just using him for the legal status.” he never paid attention to those kind of stories before, but now that he knew Tina, those stories teller all came to him.
　　“Aha, so you are afraid I am going to trick you in for one year’s marriage too.” she felt cold.
　　“Seriously, how are you going to do with the working permit after Nyenrode?” he only knew non-local could get a working permit by marrying a Dutch.

　　“Let’s say if you have a non-local girl friend, whoever it might be, she’d need the working permit, what would you do?” Tina wanted to know how much would he be willing to offer, not that she’d take any of it.

　　“Ok, over 2 or 3 years’ time, if she still loves me, and I still love her, I wouldn’t mind to marry her to help.” He meant it, if he’d still love Tina and Tina would still love him till she graduates from Nyenrode, he wouldn’t mind to marry her, though he never really cared much about the legal process, nothing but waste of loads money on a big party to get some legal papers, papers which would complicate a lot of property things if anything would go wrong. But if it would be really necessary, he wouldn’t mind to sacrifice for her, he loved her. It seemed she was lost from the line again, what was wrong with the connection tonight?

　　Tina was biting her mouth, preventing tears dripping down her face, just listen to that answer, Wouldn’t mind, again so reluctant, to help felt like to give out a charity favor, that, on the condition of at least a 2 or 3 years relationship! What the hell!!! Who did he think that she was?
　　And wasn’t it true that if you love someone, you’d be willing to do whatever for her/him at any time? Why there would be a time frame of 2 to 3 years? What were they now then? Why did he have to specifically explain that she shouldn’t be scared to meet his parents as it was not like they were getting married or something, what the hell, did he think that she was eager to marry him???

　　“Fortis Bank even trusted me enough to issue me the loan, if I won’t able to manage a working permit after Nyenrode, I might as well jump from the Euro Mast, but you don’t even believe in me.” one those words, she hung up the mobile. Tears streaming down hear cheeks. The mobile beeped for an incoming message, she switched it off.

　　Wasn’t it love; then? When he hugged her so tight as if he wanted to squeeze her into pieces, when he just gazed at her with a little helpless smile, when he couldn’t help but tapped her head or knees in the tram, when he waved his head disapprovingly yet laughed like crazy at her sharp jokes, when he called her just to tell some meaningless routines, when he kissed gently at her forehead in the morning before leave for work, when he asked everything about her family and her village, her future, her past, her health condition, when he seriously blamed the cultural difference for all her shortcomings, when he badly wanted to show her his house, when he genuinely forgot to make calls promised to others when he was with her, when he perfectly understood what she meant when she spoke or wrote with a kind of broken Dutch, when he told her the story of his uncle and cried the first time in front of a girl, when he contently sighed and said “my little white instant-noodle cooking Chinese!”… If it was, why would he still have the doubt?

　　She couldn’t stop her tears, out of frustration and disappointment, out of the fact that she would never really able to accept this kind of Dutch values. Why couldn’t he just understand her as she understands herself, she would not take it and she knew she wouldn’t, otherwise why fought all the way up till today? Yet why couldn’t he just offer or say that he’d do whatever for her because of he loved her, he should know that she wouldn’t take it, why wasn’t he even dare to make such kind of proposals?
　　Who said that man just turn blind when they were in love? Either they wouldn’t turn blind, or he was not in love then.

　　Was she asking too much? Were trust and understanding too much to ask for nowadays? She was not asking and would never ask anything materially, shouldn’t he know that?
　　And she knew for sure that she herself would be ready to do anything for him, at any minute, for the love there is, no practical reasoning’s. All her jokes were just some of self-protection, if she loved, then she did, without asking anything back. Maybe her soul is way too ancient to suit this commercialized world. Maybe she had too many hard bones and too much pride. Maybe she was just too picky. Wasn’t he the most considerable Dutch guy she ever met? At least, he was honest with whatever that played in his head, wasn’t that what she liked?

　　Or the fact was that truth always hurt?

　　She felt so tired, just to think about all this, why couldn’t love just be love, why there must be other things involved, why life could never be easy, she had enough problems already. It was no good to get in touch of this kind of topic ever again, yet if she would be with him together, it wouldn’t stay out of the way. She shouldn’t have even started with him at all. She knew this would turn out to be an issue someday, either his or hers, either tangible or psychological, why would she disgrace herself to that standard after all the years of hardworking and trying. The last moment they were still talking about that his bothers and parents are curious to see her, she was even touched by their hospitality, but the truth might well be that they just want to check out which clever Chinese girl has tricked their son down for some special purposes.

　　Sorry John, be he really loved her or not, she knew there won’t be the day anymore that she’d meet up any member of his world, not even himself any longer, she felt heart breaking, yet she knew she had to survive, so did he, sooner better than later.

　　Regulations kill the victim, John; don’t hate her for her pride, but your own rules and doubts. If it would be her moon, it had to be a full moon or no moon.

　　Without sleeping, Tina went to the HAS in the early morning, sent a short and clear e-mail message,

　　John,

　　Thought a lot, decided to be short and clear,
　　Thanks a lot, for whatever had happened so far.
　　Appreciated, being appreciated, appreciated being appreciated.
　　Yet there will be always an end to every story. Eeuwig zou ook te kort geweest kunnen zijn.

　　If it is a problem I can solve, I’d solve it, but I can’t solve it in many coming years, so I’d rather walk away than to live in the shadow. I believe you agree that I don’t deserve that.

　　If I have enough confidence in myself, I’d able to put up with it, yet the self-esteem, not even pride is the last thing and the only thing I have.

　　Shouldn’t have started anything with you in the first place, should have stopped it weeks ago, now the time comes when the topic become inevitable.
　　You may hate the rules, other’s discrimination, your own doubt and my pride, but let’s hope the best for each other.

　　Have all the trust in you as a person, know that you in me too.
　　Don’t mail or call me; don’t make a difficult enough decision even harder.

　　Take care.
　　Regards

　　Tina