《On The Same Days》橄榄树

33、14th February Friday 2003 Amsterdam

　　Het leven is een geschenk, maar je krijgt het niet cadeau
　　(Life is a gift, but you don’t get it for free)

　　God, she had not been able to do anything, for already days since she had sent that letter of proposal for the master program to Anna, Anna said she’d transfer it to Margo, that charity lady who ever offered a possibility to help. She was officially werklos for a whole week already after she brought the huge apple pie for all the happy crews in that concern, answered all their polite questions about her bright future after HAS graduation with equally politeness back with that she was planning for a master program, which school? Not sure yet. Van de Heuvel had seriously recommended Nyenrode. The only private university in Holland ranked No.1 for business training programs locally, somewhere among the first 100 on Financial Times. Of course Tina knew it; she knew the cost too, about 35 thousands Euros. Who did Van de Heuvel think that she was? His daughter?

　　She went to check her mail the first 2 days after she sent the proposal, she couldn’t do anything else then kept refreshing the inbox page every other second, sight of each new mail thrilled her to heaven then disappointed her to hell as it was all just junk.

　　She stayed home the next two days, in order to relax. She borrowed a pack of books from the Central library, books that normally would bring her to completely another world for days and nights without even remember to eat, good books had always been good drugs for her, but this time, they all just failed.
　　She hated the fact that her key to “Hogwarts school” was held in Margo’s hand when she opened Harry Porter, she hated it that she couldn’t extend her residence permit for any part time program which might be the only thing she would be able to manage on her own when she read Evening class, she took Shopaholic abroad for a laugh then realized she was in a far worse financial trouble than Becky without any credit cards, not even frozen ones, no job, not even placement job anymore, she had nothing except the possibility that Margo might become crazy fool just for once in her entire life to sponsor her some 350 thousands RMB, a big flat in Shenyang.
　　Was it going to be any chance at all? She had no bits of confidence in it any more. She was cooked up, she couldn’t even think of anything else than this vital judgment that may decide her whole life, she had no mood to make presentations for her placement report, no mood to make up a topic for her thesis; she had to talk to someone. Someone non-Dutch, no Dutch would ever understand her situation. Besides, it was already after 10pm, she might only reach the answering machine whichever Dutch she dial.

　　“Helen, how is your McDonald job going?” Tina knew Helen was a talk type.
　　“Tina, what the hell, I quit already, I couldn’t believe it, I burned my hand when making the fries, I had to clean the garbage pin from the inside, I had to clean the WC after other’s shit and what really drove me crazy was that little mother f*cker floor manager who was a MBO and believed his floor is nothing less than that piece in the white house under the other big mother f*cker’s foot, he shouted some Dutch shit at me when I burned my hand, I just couldn’t take it no more, I didn’t even shout to that pig back as usual, I smashed the fresh fries in his face and left.” Indeed, Helen always had legendary stories to tell.

　　“When did it all happen?”
　　“The last day, uh, also the first.”
　　“You mean you haven’t even worked for one day?”
　　“I did work for one whole morning, if it was not that bloody arrogant pig, I’d have worked the whole day! No one ever shouted at me, not even my father.”
　　“Not when he is having a cold war with you. What are you going to do now?”
　　“I knew a friend of my father has a computer firm in Brabant, I have seen him a few times at home, I am going to send my CV just for a try, in case he has a vacancy for whatever, I will just take it.”
　　“Are you saying that you will move to Brabant if it all goes?’
　　“No, I am not, god, this whole country is as dull as an in-incubative egg, Amsterdam is by far the only place one may still breaths, I am never going to move to those countryside’s. I will go by train everyday; it will just take about 2 hours to go if lucky, that is not a problem, I can sleep in the train.” Helen was always enthusiastic in spite of whatever happens.

　　“That sounds good.” Tina was not so sure about 4 hours a day in a train would be anything feasible for Helen.
　　“You then, what are you going to do? You are going to be gradated as well, aren’t you?”
　　“Yes I am,” thinks better to not tell anything about the possibility yet, “I may go continue torturing that floor manger after you if I am not going to be able to figure something else out.”

　　“I was the victim,” “yes I’m coming baby,” a shout to her Turkish Dutch boyfriend, “Tina, we are going out, with a few Dutch friends to a bar, I know you won’t join us.”

　　“No, indeed, go ahead and enjoy yourself, and good luck with that computer job.” Hang on the phone, Tina realized that she hadn’t talked; only listened.

　　“Lisa, how is it with the Australian thing?” she gave another try.
　　“Tina, you can’t believe this, it is just ridiculous, I have managed to get the letter of acceptance faxed after dozens of mails and calls, but now the Embassy told me that I have to do a IELTS test before applying for the Visa, come on, I had a 4 years English education and I still need to be tested in English just because we are Chinese, in the application forms, we are referred as the last category, other category citizens would be exempted if they had English education, it is just bloody discrimination, the point is that the waiting list to take that test is more than one and a half months, the results will take a few more weeks, I will never make it in time for the March admission, I hate it with all my heart plus soul, what the hell am I going to do for another half a year? I don’t want to stay in Paramount for another mercy placement, it wasn’t allowed either to have another placement, we won’t get working permit for that!”

　　“What on earth have we ever done in our last lives that we have to be punished like this now?” Tina moaned.
　　“When did you become a Buddhist?”
　　“When you sounds like a patriot. Actually when fear of future is unbearable, we have to blame the past.”
　　“I am not taking the shit; I will not let this happen to me.”
　　“Not take the test, you mean?”
　　“Of course I will take the test, just to show them how good I am, I will definitely talk someone else out of the list for the coming week’s test and leave a seat for me.”

　　“Good luck, Lisa, give them a 10, show them how good Chinese are.”
　　“Full score is 9, but yes I will show them some color, how is it with you? Has the old lady answered back?” thank god, Lisa remembered.

　　“Not yet, no, I am not sure if Anna already transferred to her yet.” Tina knew for sure Anna must have done.

　　“Can you push her a bit, this is urgent, why don’t you give her a call?”
　　“Lisa, I have nothing to sell, I am in their mercy hands, no push desirable.”
　　“Can’t they understand how serious it is for us? You need months long to get things done, you can’t simply sit there and wait?”
　　“I am actually walking and trembling at the moment, there is nothing I can do other than simply waiting.”
　　“Poor girl, come over and watch ‘Sex and the City’ with me then, I also took a few other films from Paramount.”
　　“Enjoy yourself, good luck with the test; I am in no mode for even sex in the moon.”

　　This wasn’t help anything. She had to go out, to a café, an internet café. She had to. The Easy Internet would open 24 hours.

　　There it was, among loads junks, a short message from Anna,
　　“Dear, I scanned your documents to Margo, but she said she can’t help. This is not what she expected; with 35 thousands euros she would have been able to help a whole village.
　　I hope you will not be too disappointed. Good luck and lots of love. Anna.”

　　She was not really surprised at all at the answer, but still, when fear became reality, it is even more dreadful. Has she never been offered such a possibility at all, she might have been mentally better prepared and tried at least something else rather than checking out all 13 universities websites for the bloody proposal. Yet she couldn’t agree more with Margo’s reason, 35 thousands would definitely going to be a big help of her village, the muddy road would be paved by that money, even a telephone can be installed in every home so that they may shout to each other through lines, why would she deserve to ruin a chance for a whole village? Who was she? A little hopeless nobody, how did she ever dare to dream about miracles?

　　What a hopeless nobody should do now? She had been deliberately avoided to confront herself with this question these days; there was no escape any more. But it was a hopeless question without an answer.

　　Maria had invited her for dinner again. Tina couldn’t bring herself to see the doctor family, better not contact them at this moment at all. What had she got to tell? That she would not live up to her midlife crisis as this one was killing her? That she hated herself so much that there was no bit of love or even politeness was left to cope with friendship? Besides, she didn’t want to hear about those empty comforts like “everything will be fine”, “you may have a brighter future back in China” and alike.
　　Nothing would be fine, and what did they know about China? If they see how Shanghai was building itself up to an Asian New York, couldn’t they imagine how many MBA’s, other masters or even PhDs were fighting for a place to stand their foot on? Who was she? 24 years old Bachelor, A too low qualified woman who was too young to be a manager, too old to be a secretary, not old enough to be a consultant, what the hell was she going to do back there? Babysitting? She had already lost more than enough face in this piece of land. She couldn’t even bear the thought of going back China falling into the same category.

　　The biggest reason of all, Tina knew that their intention to see her must be even as shy as hers. Of course they’d hate that they have to manage something right to say while nothing would sounds right, they’d hate to explain why they couldn’t help because of her own good, the doctor said more than twice that he she should go work for a big company and ask the firm to pay for further developments and those titles.

　　Tina had tried to explain over the working permit, the doctor would say “Out of 1.6 billion Chinese how many speak English? How many speak Dutch? You are from a little village, came all the way here, learned a lot, you have to convince them; you have to be confident!”
　　None of them would agree with her to take such a huge loan. They mightn’t believe at all that she would ever be able to pay it back, as a matter of fact she still owe a lot to the Doctor family before she came here, for arranging the Visa.

　　She was not in any condition ready for any more crash these days. She needed a break, from all whatever the hell.

　　In the last few idle days Tina did exchanged loads mails and messages with the John, talk to someone out there you weren’t really know was much easier, she had complained about everything and he had listened to them all, not agreeing, of course not, he was a Dutch. But Tina was happy that she could let her explosives off on him, especially a Dutch, since she couldn’t even manage a bad word about Dutch before Anna and doctor family, they were too dear and too lovely to be ill treated. John chose to be the scapegoat himself, she hadn’t looked for it.

　　She had learned he was 30, lived and worked somewhere near Rotterdam in a computer firm, purchasing and marketing computers, parts and networks, jogged every Monday evening with a best female friend in Rotterdam and squashed every Thursday evening with a best male friend in The Hague, sailed very often at weekends with another gang. Those good friends helped him a lot to survive from the pain of his break up of a 10 years relationship he said once.
　　Tina hadn’t asked why, she said she was absolutely no good advisor in that area, not only lacking in experiences, but also has a complete other sets of normen and waarden.
　　“Like what?” had he asked,
　　“Like I don’t really understand the samenwonen-ship, is marriage something to be scared of or it is all about financial reasons? For the sake of an easy separation that nobody would able to take a potato from the other one? If they already had separation in mind at the very beginning, why bother to live together at all then? It is actually illegal in China.” Those had really been Tina’s doubts.

　　“But without living together for some years, how would you know if the two persons were meant to be for each other and to be able to live further together? Marriage is no guarantee, but a piece of paper, how many married couples all get divorced?” had he fought for the Dutch culture.

　　“So the samenwonen is a kind of try out.”
　　“You may say so, yes.”
　　“When would the try out period turn into forever commitment?”
　　“There is no forever commitment. You never know what happens in life. But the moment the couple decided to have a child together, that would be the biggest commitment, because from then on they will never be able to be completely separate from each other anymore, they have the child in common.” He tried to explain Tina the Dutch set of values.

　　“So you weren’t married and you don’t have a child?”
　　“No. and you?”

　　“I am a very happy single who has no single second/penny/nerve (time, money, energy) for a try out with anyone and will never try that out either as in my mind it is just ridiculous and illegal, I have got a hell lot of more important things to do than that, most probably I’d have to stay single all the way down as no one here would ever accept my values anyway.”
　　“Don’t worry, you will find someone.”
　　“Hallo?! Who is worrying? Who is fishing on the internet even mailed a foreigner? You hopeless relationship seekers, I canceled loads and loads reactions without even checked the mail.” Tina knew he was joking, but she felt the urge to defend, she wasn’t looking for anything, she hadn’t ever accepted anyone at all. She had more than enough crises to handle. She was never someone who knew how to play a relationship game, no matter how did Lisa explain her the importance of taking advantage of being a woman, she just hadn’t the cell for that, she almost started to envy her parents now, the kind of attachment among them. Tina knew for her, there’d be no try out, if it would just come one day, then it would come, once and for all, if does not, then never. But first everything else had to be done.

　　“Okay, I am hopeless, I heard Chinese never say NO to questions, may you be so kind to give me some hope? How about a walk by the sea or a dinner at a Chinese restaurant?” He thought weeks of communications would be long enough preparation for a meet up.

　　“Sorry, since you don’t want a NO, I’d just give you a Nee then. I couldn’t help it, but parts of me just become very much localized. Besides it could be dangerous for me to walk by the sea as I can’t swim, once I am blew in the sea, I will never come out again, to carry a stone walking around would be too heavy. Next time, learn some better technique, would a Chinese come all the way to Amsterdam for some non-original flavor Chinese cuisine?”

　　“Thanks for your tip, but is the stone really meant to defend you from the wind or from me? Which cuisine do you like best then?” he liked her humor, he gave another try.

　　“No cuisine is the best cuisine. Let’s forget about the meet up, and be happy with the way we are now, I don’t want to scare you and I don’t want to faint either, don’t you know distance produces beauty?” Tina never had the idea to meet up someone from internet, whoever it might be; a mail friend shouldn’t jump into reality.

　　“If distance produces beauty, you must be very pretty; you did come all the way from China across the whole distance…” He joked back at the refusal, indeed cultural difference, a Dutch girl would just say yes, let’s meet up, or No, stop the mailing, but this Chinese girl seemed just want to have a pen pal, while, so far it was fine with him. He decided to give her some more time.

　　Tina thought John would just stop mailing after her refusal, she knew many people on those dating sites were really looking for a tangible date, no one had the time nowadays to keep a pen pal just for e-mail communications, it could still be the case in China, but here in Holland, forget about it. She had replied one or two other quite smart reactions from the site, but they’d ask her out after two or 3 mails, and completely disappeared after she said Nee.

　　She was happy to receive a mail from John again, suggested that she might check with the IB group over scholarship possibilities, or went to talk with a bank about a loan possibility. She had checked the IB group too many times already before she went to the HAS, no way. But she would go to those banks for a try the next day then, though she knew for sure no banks would give loan based on nothing to a foreign citizen.

　　Back home, it was deep night. Though exhausted, Tina lay in bed awake with a woody empty head. The mobile music gave her a big shock, not anything happened at home?

　　It was Lisa, crying on the phone, Tina sat up, tried to get the story clear from Lisa’s watery voice, god, it must be something real terrible, maybe she wouldn’t be able to take the IELTS test in time for the visa. She had to ask Lisa to repeat what she said, then she heard Cathy on the line, telling that Lisa would have to fly back home tomorrow as the hospital called Lisa that she had to go and sign the operation agreement for her father’s lever Cancer, the old man had been staying in hospital for two months without telling Lisa. Tina lost her words too, nothing would comfort Lisa anyway. Lisa was the only child, and now the old man might be on the edge to pass away. Tina could understand Lisa’s feeling of guilty, Lisa had been here nearly 4 years without went back home, without spending any time with the old man, now it could be just too late. What the hell about the masters and IELTS, of course, Lisa had to fly home.