《On The Same Days》橄榄树

29、3rd January Friday 2003 Amsterdam

　　Heb je geld, dan heb ik liefde
　　(If you have money, I have love)

　　Woke up around 12 am, Tina had a sour throat and headaches. It was so painful to swallow. God, she wasn’t ill, was she? She couldn’t allow herself to be ill. Her health insurance was just expired, not that she ever used it; she never even registered with any general practitioners here. She simply never had the time to even think about that. Tina sighed at the wasted contribution; felt her throat hurt even with a heavy breath.

　　It seemed the Christmas and New Year holidays were far too long; those parties were far too much, Tina felt like dying from dizziness.

　　She had slept the whole day through on the first day of 2003, not a very bad start at all. Till she woke up by the persistent doorbell by her buurvrouw (lady neighbor) downstairs, though irritated she was glad to realize that if she ever encounter a heart attack and die in her room she’d not left to get rotten since her buurvrouw come over to socialize with her on the New Year’s Day.
　　5 minutes later she realized she might very well lose the possibility to die home as she might be kicked out much earlier by her neighbors.
　　The Buurvrouw had asked what had Tina had been doing the past few days, especially nights, she was very much annoyed by a kind of motor like noise. Buurvrouw marched into the room searching, eyes rested on the shabby computer with some kind of disgust, before she came to her realization, Tina had shouted “I know, it must be my hair dryer, I knew it worked too strong, I got to change it, just look at my forehead.” Tina half dragged the Buurvrouw out of her door showing her reddish forehead out of fright and shut the door. God, Tina wouldn’t allow that woman to destroy her computer. She managed the computer up on the kitchen table way above the floor immediately; still noisy as ever, she wondered if the Buurvrouw from the upstairs may come to socialize with her some other day.

　　Then the night came as sleepless. She had read through her placement report 3 times and gave herself a 9 on it. She had even listened to the Sintklas CD no less than 10 times. God, it was terrible to even have one day of nothing to do, even more terrible that she couldn’t stop thinking what if she’d have nothing to do later, which was what she always hated and afraid of the most, to think. Her problem was that she always thought too much; which wasn’t a smart thing to do at all.

　　Her mother told her that her brother, Tina’s uncle, ran mad when he was 25 because he thought too much. He saw himself killing tigers for their fur, digging out ginsengs en glossy ganodermas in his mind, buying Ling’s grandma tons of rice, cutting all the Japanese into pieces. His wife walked away from him tired of his thoughts and he really decided to look for the tiger in the forest that day while eaten by wolves.
　　Tina shook her head, went for a shower, almost fainted under the heat. She told herself to stop thinking, not about the terrible working permit thing, not about the master program, not about the empty bank account, not about no one to share the rent, nothing about any futures, who knows what future had in store? Everyday was a new start, was it? She never wanted to kill any tigers, she’d rather ride them, she never wanted to kill anything; she loved every piece of grass out there, every falling leave from the tree out her window. (As long as not into her room)

　　Of course she knew what her mother meant, just the same as Anna, wondering over their crazy daughter’s nerves, afraid Tina would already long falling apart before reaching the point where she wanted to be, as if they all knew she had set a far too high a level on the □□ for herself to climb to. Had she then? Ever set a certain point to climb to? If only they knew why she went all the way away from that village, the further, the better, it was just escaping…stop! Tina told herself out loud, don’t think too much, otherwise she might really also ran mad, just as her uncle, there were no forests here to look for a tiger, she could jump in the sea to look for a whale, nice to have the inherited disease as an excuse if she’d be found in a demented house one day.

　　Switched the noisy computer on, she had tried to write something last night, just a record of parts of her thoughts last night, if only there’d ever be a machine that able to read and translate a person’s thought fully into words, all writers would turn unemployed then, no crimes would ever get a chance to be conducted either.

　　Went through her own words, Tina couldn’t stop shaking her head and smile,
　　“Don’t be proud just because of you crossed the river with bare foot while others by a boat; don’t be proud just because of you climbed the Everest with bare hands while others by a helicopter. If you had a boat or a helicopter you’d do just the same. What difference do different starting points make? Be a killer or a police, the only point is if you can still go on with the fight, who would count how many fights you have gone through or how many scars you have achieved?
　　If I don’t have as many things as other people do only proves that I am not as good as other people, never blame life for it. There were people born with golden shoes, there people born with no foot, one has to make her own crystal shoes.”

　　God, she’d never be able write a book, she’d easily lost her common sense if she ever had any and go on describe herself into a kind of MuLan- like hero (An ancient cartoon girl who served army on behalf of her father), accuse the whole world ill treated her. She simply wouldn’t allow herself to create another cliché, about some poor farmers girl fought all the way through a hell lot of hardships to be where she was today, blablabla, leave the hardships alone, where was she today then? Nowhere, although more than half of the world had nicely treated her with their great love and support such as Anna, Doctor family and Ling.

　　Shut the computer off, Tina decided to go to school, there she could check e-mails and read some magazines, just to save her from thinking too much.

　　* * *

　　“Tina? There you are!” Lisa shouted to Ling from the corner of the computer room in the HAS.
　　“Still all in one piece,” Tina went over and settled herself behind the computer next to Lisa’s.
　　“I was just going to call you, help me to fill out this form, I should have learned Dutch.” Lisa complained the millionth time since she got to know Tina, before Tina’s time she had never felt she was lacking in something, none of those Chinese students in the HAS really learned Dutch anyway, no comparison; no disadvantage. Now she was addicted to Tina’s translation.

　　“Ok, Voornaam is your name in the front which is your first name, Achternaam is you name at back which is your family name, opposite to the Chinese order as always.”

　　Tina filled in Lisa’s names while trying to give some Dutch lesson, whenever she got the chance to help Lisa in Dutch, she was always over enthusiastic. A few sentence of broken Dutch was all what she knew that Lisa didn’t, while she knew nothing about those IT and financial things that Lisa was expert in. “ok, your address, age, gender, height, weight, sexual orientation, personalities…wait, what are you applying for? A new e-mail box doesn’t require this much information?” Tina was puzzled, the form was quite long.

　　“Just keep filling in, I will explain you later. Personalities, what do you think my personalities are?” Lisa frowned at Tina.
　　“Sharp more than knives, proud more than peacocks. Anything else?” Tina wasn’t really joking.
　　“Don’t you dare to put those words down, ok, who had cooked so many times of delicious meals? I should have feed dogs instead of you.”
　　“Ok, Ok, how about great cook in kitchen, even greater cook in life, has the magic to turn every mess into delicious Flied Lice.” Tina was really joking this time, but Lisa said that would defiantly do.

　　“Here it asks if you want to attach a picture. Just what is it all about? Not a beauty contest or something?” Tina got more and more curious.
　　“Much more important than that, but a picture…No…Yes…No, do you think it is a shame if you run into my picture on a dating website?” Lisa was serious.
　　“That’s what it all about! Of course I won’t, everybody might make such a joke?” Though Tina didn’t expect Lisa would make that kind of jokes too.

　　“It might not always be a joke. You know what? I have just attended a wedding of one of my colleagues, Accounts Payable manager, a very nice gentleman aged over 30. The wife was a polish girl, wasn’t even beautiful, they met through a dating website, here in these countries internet does really work as match-making agencies in China.” Lisa explained to the open-mouthed Tina,

　　“But, but you don’t really believe in it, do you?” Tina gave Lisa a serious frown; she knew Lisa’s pressure from her father, but a dating website, god.
　　“No, I am just kidding.” Lisa became irritated, she could never talk sense into Tina’s granite head on the topic of settle down, was 3 years age different so big or was it just Tina?
　　“But, seriously, why don’t your log on some Australian websites since you are going there in a few months, it would be nice if there are some kind of acquaintances out there waiting for you.” Noticed Lisa’s irritation, Tina tried to make it up.
　　“Aha, maybe I really should,” Lisa thought for a while, “then you have to change this profile into yours, otherwise you’d hold me as a laugh stick, be my real friend, then go ahead, right now.”
　　Under Lisa’s inspection, Tina changed the profile into hers, in the blank space of description for an ideal partner, Tina just typed
　　“???????????????????..........................................................???????????????????????”
　　Which was actually the only serious signal of the whole profile, just how could you give a description to define a person you were looking for? If it could all fixed up from color to height, from hair to toe, then what’s still left there to expect? If she had a ready mode in mind, she’d just go to Anna and curve it concrete instead of …instead of what? She wasn’t really looking for anything anyway; it was after all just a joke.

　　When it came to picture, Tina became hesitated. What if Anna or Maria bump into the website accidentally and saw her picture? They might not consider this as a joke, they might suspect that she’s just run mad and want to sell herself through internet for an identity or a working permit. She’d kill herself if they look her that way. But she couldn’t get away from Lisa. Ok, suddenly she remembered the picture took a few years ago, her back facing the camera, her face facing the sea. That would be perfect; it could be anybody with dark clothes and dark hair, at least, any Chinese. No one would recognize her from it. Besides, no one would react as they’d think that she must have got a huge scar on her face to hide, which was exactly what she wanted.

　　Clicked on confirm, they started to search over Lisa’s Australian date sites. There weren’t many listed in Yahoo, “Lisa, why can’t you just check out those classy Asian’s profiles and mail to them, why do you have to put your own file somewhere?” Tina lost her interest, it was so boring and meaningless to glance through all those stupid pages full of witness stories of you’ve got mail kind of love. Lisa had always accused Tina to be impractical, yet Tina never expected those movie stories could ever really happen in real life.
　　“You really need to develop much more brains you know, as a classy girl, you should never proactively contact those men; you have to be not too available; you have to wait for them to approach you…” Lisa stopped at the sight of Tina’s puzzled face, god, just how much could girls from North China differ from those from the South? Lisa had been worked in Shanghai for some years, she knew how girls there fishing their golden husbands. There were definitely tactics and strategies, it seemed Tina hadn’t got any tactful cell, every nerve of this north China girl was as straight forward as her hair.

　　“Maybe you should write a book about Golden Husband Fishing Tactics Encyclopedia or something.” Tina had to laugh whenever Lisa told her about those Shanghai girls, how did they all learn very good English just to be able to talk with foreigners in the bars, how did they behave tender and docile just to trick a rich fellow buying them loads cosmetics, even cars and house, even mothers of those girls would hospitably chat with those potential candidates on the phone until their daughters pick the phone up. God, what a world, she remembered in Shanghai a male trade agent had complained,

　　Shanghai girls have English names;
　　Only dating Kui Lao’s running around in Bens,
　　If he is a millionaire,
　　Age creates no gap,
　　Height represents no distance,
　　If it is a billionaire,
　　Weight brings no pressure,
　　Gender makes no difference.

　　Tina had laughed into tears when she heard it, despite the man’s sad face. He said non-local girls in Shanghai took the second choice, marry the local Shanghai man, while he came from west China, not a native Shanghai-nese, he had completely no hope, he had to went back west to marry someone. Tina took it all as a big entertaining joke, but from Lisa, she realized the man could well be just seriously telling her the truth.

　　Left Lisa alone with her soul mate searching, Tina opened her mail box. Read through Lings’ mail full of big news, May would get married next month, Lily next week. What happened on earth in one months time that driven them all so soon to the tomb? Hadn’t they say marriage was the tomb of love? She was sure that something was wrong between Tiffany and Roc when she was back in Shenyang.

　　Anna was asking Tina’s opinions on her brother -Jack’s family, that Jack had just published another detective book; she had already bought one for Tina.
　　Her former landlady Wilma has passed away right after Christmas, after bravely insisted keeping the cancer with her up to almost half a year and costed 10 times the insurance she ever paid in her entire life, said her daughter proudly, a Dutch born Israeli girl who was sorting things out and going back to Israel soon.

　　A few hours later they went to the Canteen, never before had the Canteen been so quiet. Leo joined them for some coffee.
　　“Why Australia?” he looked at Lisa, really wanted to know.
　　“Because,” Lisa swallowed her classy Asian theory in time in order not to make the complete Chinese-Tina and the ¼ Chinese-Leo not feeling like garbage, “Sydney University has a good fame, the CPA is a good program.”
　　“CPA?” Tina knew it meant some sort of accountant diploma, but wasn’t sure.
　　“Oh, Tina, don’t you follow accounting courses? It means Chartered Public Accountant.” Lisa sometimes felt tired of Tina’s ignorance.
　　“Why not in England then? You should know where lies the first class Business schools. Besides an Australian CPA would only work in Australia, all the local rules you won’t be able to use elsewhere.” Leo tried to convince Lisa, he was looking for master programs too, he badly wished he would be able to study in another same school again with Lisa; she had helped him a lot through the years.

　　“Yeah, England, America, where do you think I can get money from? There weren’t rich parents out there opening blank checks for me.” Lisa hated every time when her decision being questioned, god, she had went through all those websites of every single business school in England, way too expensive, she might be able to afford it, but not with the money she saved by all the years of hardworking. Sydney University was the best combination of fame and price.

　　“I am not taking money from my parents either,” Leo eagerly explained, afraid of Lisa consider him still as the little boy 3 years ago when they first met, for god’s sake he told his jeans were bought by her mother, but he was just 18 back then. “I will follow the master program with my own savings too.”

　　“If I am a Dutch as you are, if I have a working permit…” Lisa didn’t finish, she drank her coffee cup empty in one mouthful instead and started coughing.

　　Absentmindedly listening to their fights as always, over the age gap, the identity and the future plans, Tina felt tired and sleepy again. Who said coffee keep people awake? It never really worked out with her. She somewhat loved Wilma’s daughter’s madness of going back to that mad place full blood and bombs everyday against all her family’s objections. At least you’d feel that you are living in now, you’d realize what every particular moment or even second means, just how’d you know that you still have a tomorrow?

　　Therefore that night Tina ate 3 huge bowls (No, please don’t ask about the size) of Flied lice Lisa made for them. Not because how delicious it was, it tasted actually a bit like fried flies from the second bowl on. Leo had waved and laughed, “You will get sick of it for sure. There were two hungry lunatics on street, they saw some thrown up things from a drunken guy, one asked the other to eat it, the other did then threw up a while later; the first one said he preferred to eat it warm.”

　　Never heard of Leo joking, never knew that nice little girlish boy could make such a dirty joke, looked at the left over in her bowl, Tina ran to the toilet, half way threw up in the hall, knew Lisa was a clean freak, Tina said “Please don’t clean it, I will go and find some lunatics around.”

　　To the very contrary of that knife-sharp Lisa, she didn’t show her paw this time, but helped Tina with water instead and looked at Tina with deep sorrow in her eyes, “Don’t worry, dear, you have always been having good lucks, why don’t you just go and talk with your apish ape manager? He might offer a working permit; you have done so many things…”
　　“Ha, I am not going to get stuck with that little firm for whatever even if he begs me too, why would I ask him to offer me anything?” Tina declared boldly as if she had 3 bottles of vodka instead of rice.

　　“It is actually fair for people here…” Leo tried some justice.

　　“Shut up! You are the Dutch with your working permit living under your parent’s roof getting studie-financiering from the government while we are the insecure discriminated displaced Chinese with no roofs and no rights to work even if we can do much better in everything, where is the fairness for us?” Lisa had run mad too.

　　Tina felt nauseas again at the thought that she mightn’t be any better in anything even given the chance. What the hell.